Sigh, been a rough couple of months... no wait, even longer then that. Last fall after I got back from the NPPL, I started struggling with some things, both on a personal level, and professional level.

On the personal side of things, my family was dealing with my wife's mothers cancer, my sons where not taking it well, my wife even worse. Time seemed to fade away, and every time I tried to pursue my photography, something would come up. It wore on me, and I started to stop trying to line up time for photography, as well as everything else I do, the very things I enjoy.

And worse, I started shutting myself off from my friends, all of them. Slowly I have been withdrawing away from people, and this has gotten even worse over the last few weeks. Four weeks ago, my older sister, Beth, passed away suddenly. She was having trouble breathing on Thursday, and passed on Sunday. I still have no idea what happened. My sister and I were not close, I had very little respect for how she ran her life, and less for how she treated me and my family. But to my surprize, it bothered me that I was never able to resolve that. I don't even know why. It also really bothered me that she was only four years older then I am. Again I am unsure why.

My wife's Mom passed on last Sunday, after a very long struggle with Cancer. I still have yet to figure out how to explain this to my youngest son. He asks for her, and just doesn't get that she is gone.

Anyways, back to my photography. As I struggled with trying to find time for it, I started looking at my work. And I was furstrated, to say the least, that I couldn't capture what I was seeing. And I got more then a little angry. Slowly, I walked away. My camera gear has been packed up and unused since my last posts. The models I had lined up to work with have long since getting in touch with me, and I haven't tried to contact any of them. One of the main reasons was of course that it was becomming a pain point between my wife and I, as I struggled to handle the household and the kids, while she worried about her Mom. The endless money problems never helped either, I never planned on supporting my in laws as well as my family. But I can honestly say I had to make a choice, walk away from photography, or my family. And my family wins everytime, hands down, no questions.

My sisters passing made me really realize how short life is. And today, for the first time in months, I took out my camera gear, and thought about where I want to be this time next year. And I didnt come to a conclusion either. But... well I am thinking... beyond the bills, and the "right now". I realized, I've missed DA, and a lot of the people on it. The beauty, the creativity.... the DAness of it all. Without it... there is an emptiness I can't explain.